Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm always down for nudity.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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