can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
