you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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