Only a mothe r could love this liver
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
