The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize