I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
