The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Couch. On fire.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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