I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
