He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
