Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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