i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
