We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
