im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
