I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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