It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
