my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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