Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I need to calm my uterus...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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