just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize