I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
