On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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