I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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