she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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