My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
