She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
