I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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