I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize