I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
