Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
