So drunk its hurt
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
