saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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