do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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