omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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