you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
