I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dear god my vagina.
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