Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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