so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
