I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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