The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
