Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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