I think I died a long time ago.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
