The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
me + whiskey = a bad person
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
