why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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