Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
