He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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