I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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