Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize