I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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