Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
