i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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