I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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