My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
