dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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