It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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