i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
