he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
bring money and cleavage
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
