What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
