why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
