How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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