I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
