Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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