this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
