ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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