you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
