Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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