ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
