I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize