john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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