Where is the hickey?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
