Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
